Why Danny hates technology
by Felice09
Summary: Danny has a constant thorn in his side. And that thorn is technology. The burden of educating the coven on the wonders of technology falls to Daniel, and he doesn't like it one bit. This is why Danny hates technology.
1. Benny Lava

**A quick oneshot done in a moment of madness. ****.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw**** is the link Lestat sent. Just a snippet of life on night island, and why Danny hates technology.**

Armand sat on the plush black velvet recliner in the living room. This is the infamous living room of Night Island, of course. The top hot spot for vampire kind, especially if they were angling for a glimpse of the even more infamous coven of the articulate.

He was typing on his laptop, having just installed in the manor the new "Wireless broadband Internet" thingy that Daniel had told him about. Armand was fond of new technologies, although keeping a current grasp on them was something that for him, required constant work. Daniel seemed to understand these things effortlessly, but Armand had struggled on his own such that after Daniel had walked in on Armand grinding his old laptop into "Useless laptop powder" he had insisted on giving Armand a long and pointless tutorial on all things technological, new and old.

"Now you see this button here?"

"Which button? That's not a button, that's a picture on the screen. Really Daniel, if you're going to teach me, at least teach me properly. I'm beginning to doubt your expertise."

"Look, if I say it's a button, it's a button. Now just shut up and listen -"

"So if I point to that couch there and say it's a mechanical roller coaster would you sit in it and wave your arms about?"

"Look, why don't you sit in the roller coaster chair, and I'll fix up the internet. Alright?"

"I really see no point in it, though. It's clear that the chair is still a chair."

"I thought you said it was a couch?"

"... Shut up."

So Armand sat with his arms crossed in the chair while Daniel painstakingly fixed up Armand with an email account, msn, youtube account, facebook, blog excetera excetera.

"There, now it's all set up for you. Go nuts."

"What does this one do?"

"That is a social networking site that connects you with friends over the internet. I've already added you as a friend to Marius, Lestat, Me, Louis has a facebook, can you imagine that?"

"Eurgh, I don't want to be Lestat's friend. How do I get rid of that?"

"No. He's already accepted you as his friend. It's very hard to undo."

"It's not that hard, I just smash it, right?"

"NO!!!"

"Hey whats this? Lestat sent me a 'you-tube'? What is that?"

"He didn't send you a you tube, he sent you a video. What the hell? What is this?"

"Crazy Indians - Benny Lava? What? Is he singing bollywood now?"

"HOLY SHIT!!!! This is f***ed, Armand. Don't watch this!"

"Why, what do you mean?"

"Its just -? What the hell?"

"Ha hahaha, look at the subtitles. 'My loony bun is fine benny lava, Anyone need this sign benny lava'!"

"No, Armand, don't sing along. It's annoying the hell out of me."

"Have you been high tooodaaaaayyyy????"

"Kill me now."

"Who put the goat in heeeerrrre?"

"No, I'm gonna kill Lestat. That's what I'll do. He's going down."

"Hey! What's this screen here?"

"What?"

"Look! It just blinked up on the screen. It's doing that weird flashing doodad thingo."

"Do you realise what you just said?"

"I fought a barber maaaan!We know whats in butter ruuuum!"

"Give it here. Its a msn window. Oh, it's Lestat. I'm going to give him a peice of my mind."

"Nooo, let me talk to him!"

_Lestat is da bomb, benny lava says: Hiiiiiiiii Armand!!!!_

_Little Computer Retard says: Hiiiiiiiiii 'Stat!!!!!!_

"Hey, Daniel. Why is my name 'little computer retard'?"

"I'll just fix that."

"Good boy. A pat on the back for that."

"Yeah, but you are ... *mumblemumble*"

"What was that?"

"Nothing, nothing! Look, all better."

_Little Angel who loves Daniel, and would never throw a laptop at him says: Hi again 'Stat!!!_

_Lestat is da bomb, benny lava says: What, you're a computer retard and now you're a little angel?_

___Little Angel who loves Daniel, and would never throw a laptop at him says: Daniel is just being an idiot. Oh, that you tube thingy you sent me!!!!!!_

_Lestat is da bomb, benny lava says: I know, I know. How AWESOME!!!!!!!!!_

_Little Angel who loves Daniel, and would never throw a laptop at him says: BENNY LAAAVAAAAA!!!!!!!!_

_Lestat is da bomb, benny lava says: I'm coming over!_

"What did he say?" Daniel asked through gritted teeth.

"Oh," Armand smiled innocently at his frustrated fledgling. "Nothing Daniel. Don't worry. I won't be needing the computer lesson anymore."

"Well thank god for that."

"Lestat's coming over!"

Daniel turned stony faced to the wall and walked away. For the remainder of the night he locked himself in the music room, speakers blaring in a vain attempt to drown out the noise from the living room. To no avail.

"MY LOONY BUN IS FINE BENNY LAVA! MINOR BUN ENGINE MADE BENNY LAVA! HAVE YOU BEEN HIIIIGH TOOODAYYYY???"

This was why Danny hated technology.


	2. iPhones

**What started as a one shot soon became a wonderful way to relax/be distracted from my more serious writings. Plus its pretty fun to write about Armand and technology, as I am a bit of a techno-retard and I can empathise with him on many fronts. The other day I picked up someones Iphone and the image slid off the screen, so I dropped it back down and apologised profusely. "Oh I'm so sorry, it dissappeared! I picked it up and it dissappeared. How did it do that? How does it even -? Thats freaky man. Your phone is freaky!" Sometimes I think that if I had a Daniel, he'd hate me. **

"So. We need to talk."

Armand gazed up from his magazine as he sat curled in Marius' lap on the wide l-shaped couch of the living room. Daniel stood over Armand, his arms crossed and his face serious.

"What?" He asked his fledgling wiht an incredelous tone, successfully cutting down Daniels attempt to tower over him and intimidate him. It was hard to intimidate Armand. Marius smiled and brushed the auburn strands of hair out of his child's face.

"Oh, what have you done now, my perpetually troublesome cherub?"

"Nothing -" Armand replied looking for all the world an innocent teenager.

"It's not nothing!" Daniel tersely replied. "I know you did it, so fess up! Where is my new iPhone?"

"iPhone? What's an iPhone?"

"Don't give me that crap Armand! You know what it is. You broke the old one and now the new one's gone! I want to know where it is."

"Where what is? I don't even know what you're talking about. You're not making any sense. And why blame me all the time? I didn't do anything! You know, you always do this, and I never do anything. You always blame me, it's not fair."

"I always blame you because you always are the culprit. I needed my iPhone! I just fixed it up again! It has all my contacts on it. It's got all my music, all my apps, all my photos!"

Marius looked sagely up at Daniel, an expression of knowledge and enlightenment lit his features.

"We do not have a need for material possessions. We are fulfilled through ourselves, not by the false fulfillment of advertising and objects. Or *snigger*... iPhones, pfhhn!"

With that both Marius and Armand burst into muffled sniggers. They were laughing at Daniel.

Daniel stared sullenly at the two ancient vampires sharing conspiritorial titters.

"Where is it?" He asked in a deadpan voice.

"Where is what, Daniel?" Armand looked up at him sweetly.

"The iPhone." He replied in his deadly monotone.

"I don't understand what you're talking about Daniel, love. Please, will you explain it to me in terms I would understand?"

Daniel narrowed his eyes. So this is what is was about.

He thought back to the last time.

_"What's that Daniel?" Armand asked curiously, in an insatiable good mood and eager to see the new technological marvel that Daniel had brought home, full of the empowering glow of figuring out how to use the webcam novelty options on his new laptop._

_"It's nothing. It's mine." Daniel walked hurriedly past, hiding his new gadget where Armand could't see/break it. _

_Suddenly Armand was in front of Daniel, and had snatched the device from under his arm. _

_"What is this? What does this do?"_

_"No, don't! It's my iPhone. Please, don't touch it! I just programmed it."_

_"What does that mean? 'Please don't touch it'? What do you expect me to do? Hurl it against the wall?"_

_"No, it's just... I know what you're like with technology." He sighed. "You can have a look, just don't mess it up, ok?"_

_Armand looked curiously at the phone. It looked like a slab of obsidian, shining dully in the light. He poked it with his finger and it suddenly lit up. _

_"Oh!"_

_He poked it again, and again. _

_"Alright, enough of that." Daniel eased the phone out of Armand's slender hands. _

_"Well, whats the point of that?" Armand asked. "Sure it's a novelty, but it seems like a waste if it just lights up like that. A lightswitch does as much."_

_"It does other things too, but you don't need to see them."_

_"But I want to see them!"_

_"But you don't need to see them."_

_Armand grabbed one side of the iPhone with his thumb and forefinger. _

_"But I WANT to see them."_

_Daniel tugged away, but couldn't shake Armand's grasp on the thin device._

_"You don't need to see them. Stop, before you break it."_

_"It's obsidian! It doesn't break, so give it HERE!"_

_"No, let go, it's MINE!"_

_"Give it to me!"_

_"No, give it back, it's mine, you'll break it!"_

_"I won't break it, let go and I'll give it back when I'm done."_

_The tug of war raged , Armand insisting the device was some phospherent obsidian, Daniel insisting that Armand would break it, because he's stupid, and thought that a television was a catcher-trap for little people. The fight was bitter, and finally Armand's pincer grip punctured the gloss of the iPhone. _

_"Now look at it! Now look what you've done!"_

_"It's bleeding on me, Daniel. Black blood, look!"_

_"You little idiot! You broke it!"_

_"Eurgh! Ahhh, it's disgusting. Eurgh! Yuck, Daniel. It burns my tongue!"_

_"YOU DON'T EAT IPHONE JUICE, MORON! SPIT IT OUT, NOW!"_

_"Don't tell me what to do."_

_"YOU HAVE POISONOUS CHEMICALS IN YOUR MOUTH. YOU RUINED MY IPHONE! MUST I EXPLAIN TO YOU IN TERMS YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU BAD! YOU KILL PHONE! BAD BAD KIDDY!"_

_"Don't patronise me Daniel. I didn't mean to break the phone, you're just being ridiculous now."_

_"RIDICULOUS? ME? YOU DRANK MY IPHONE!"_

_"I know. It tasted awful. You have rather a knack for pointing out the obvious, Daniel. Calm your farm."_

_"KNACK FOR - wait, what did you say?"_

_"What? Nothing."_

_"Calm your farm? Is that what you said? Calm your farm?"_

_Armand looked sheepishly away. _

_Daniel brightened consideably, he bent down so his face was in line with Armand's. With an indulgent smile he pinched Armand on the cheek. _

_"Have you been watching playschool, little boy?"_

_Armand rolled his eyes, smacked Daniel across the face and left the room, throwing level glances at the ruined iPhone. _

"So that's your game." Daniel muttered. "Well, I can understand your neferious involvement, Armand, but Marius, what did iPhones ever do to you?"

Marius paled. Soon after the incident his fledgling had pursuaded him to try the black blood of the iPhone as well, and they sat about it, poking it and examining the little chips that held it together. The iPhone was an insult to their intelligence and it humiliated them to not understand it when Daniel did.

"We don't know anything about your technology, Daniel. Look for your iPhone somewhere else. Oh, is that a ding in the kitchen?"

Daniel could hear the ominous ding of the microwave and ran to the kitchen. The laughter of Marius and Armand as they wreeked havoc on the scourge of technological advances echoed through the hall.

Daniel opened the microwave door and from a cloud of smoke his iPhone lay twisted and melted in a murky mess of molten plastic.

"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

This was another reason why Danny hated technology.


	3. Flickr's for posers

**I made a list so now this story can become regular. For a while I was like, "Technology? What is technology?" Thinking how can I write about what I don't know? So I did my research and now we are all set! Here we go!**

Armand was surfing the net on his laptop, giggling with every click of his mouse. Daniel sat on the opposite couch with his iPod headphones in. He would look up occaisionally in annoyance and curiosity, then curtly look away. The living room was a full house tonight, as Louis sat on the Chesterfield armchair reading the importance of being earnest and chuckling to himself. Lestat was chatting to Quinn on his mobile phone and laughing racously about the antics of his fledgling Mona. Marius was sketching the scene around him in his note book. He still kept his diary, when he had the patience for it. David had gone to visit his old friend Aaron Lightner, and make a scene of himself. So he was not there.

Turn of page, scratch of pen to paper, click, laugh, talk.

Daniel looked up, then back down again. Armand was laughing at his screen again. Such silky laughter. And it was also bloody annoying.

"What? What is it?"

"Oh you're so grumpy Daniel. Just listen to your music. You wouldn't like it anyway."

Daniel looked back down to his iPod and crossed his arms. More laughter.

He looked back up again. Louis and Lestat were crowded around Armand and his laptop, sniggering.

Armand clicked again. They all laughed. Daniel's eyebrow twitched.

He looked back down.

When he next looked up he could hear Lestat talking to Quinn on his mobile.

"Quinn, man. You have got to see this. It's got us all in hysterics. Alright, Alright... type in -"

Then Lestat Louis and Armand all looked sharply up at Daniel. Daniel blanched and looked away. Lestat held his hand to his lips and turned away, whispering to Quinn on the other line.

"No, it's nothing. He's listening in. Here, I'll tell you in the other room."

Daniel peered up over the top of his iPod.

"Geez Daniel. Nosey much?" Armand taunted him.

"Well, you're talking about me, aren't you? What is it now? An exposee on my sleeping habits? Video feed of me hunting? Some kind of anecdotal blog describing our times together? What?!"

"You are quite paranoid, aren't you, Daniel?" Louis commented with curious brow.

"You guys are nuts." Daniel muttered and sank back into his chair.

Armand clicked again. The assembled group all doubled over with laughter.

Daniel rose from his chair.

The coven turned their heads in one of those instantaeous movements that used to freak Daniel out.

"I'm just going to the other room, chill out guys."

Daniel walked slowly out the room, at the door he heard a click and the laughter again. Daniel raced over when they thought he was gone, ha that'll show them. And planted himself in front of the screen.

"Ahah!" He exclaimed. On the screen was Armand's flickr account, and he had photoshopped pictures of Daniel, Marius, Lestat, everyone, onto elvis bodies.

"What the hell? This isn't funny!"

"B-But, you're Elvis. The king of rock. It's hysterical!" Armand laughed.

Lestat sniggered. "Heh heh, look Daniel, look. It's my face on a baby. A baby!"

Daniel looked up at Marius who sat still on his armchair, drawing in his sketchbook.

"And you're alright with this, Marius? He's flickr-ing photo's of us for the whole world to see."

Marius stared at Daniel for a long time. Then he looked back down to his sketchbook again.

"Flickr's for posers. I'm a deviant."

Daniel stood in the silence again. His jaw slack. Marius had a deviantART account. Armand was on flickr. Daniel only had a facebook.

He slowly sat back down in his chair and turned up his earphone volumes to high.

This was why Danny hated technology.


	4. Russian brides

**Another one! It really makes me laugh all these scenarios, I draw other ones, the ones that don't make sense in my writing on my DeviantART account. Just like Marius, yay! Chapter four - Here we go!**

Armand sat once again on his laptop, this time sitting curled in one of the plush armchairs in his master suite. Danny was pulling on his socks on the four poster bed. His clothes were laid out for him.

"Daniel?" Armand asked.

"Mmmmm?"

"Daniel? I was looking up a song, you know that odd fusion song you were showing me where it's half modern music and half Russian folk music?"

"Mmmm?"

"Yes, well I was looking that up on the internet, like how you showed me, and this box flashed on the screen asking me if I wanted it as a ringtone."

"Mmmmm?"

"And so I clicked yes and it's gone rather funny."

"Whatever. Hey, look, are we going to go to that amusement park tonight? Because I'm not chancing a ride if there aren't any technicians there again. Last time you did that I fell, and it wasn't pleasant!"

"Mmmmmm."

"I just want to make sure it's open, alright. And I'll have none of that nonsense from you, like last time. When you took those carnie teenagers from their homes to work the machines. That's not on alright?"

"Mmm."

"Are you even listening to me?"

Armand looked calmly from the screen and fixed Daniel in his butterscotch brown eyed gaze.

"Of course I'm listening to you Daniel. I'm always listening to you. Will you listen to me now?"

Daniel scoffed. "As if you always listen to me. I was telling you to untie them for a good twenty minutes before you set them loose. Those kids were terrified. But no, you wanted to ride the teacups again."

"I'll have you know that those kids weren't doing anything better that night anyway. Why hold this against me?"

"Well, you could have called park management beforehand! You could have rented out the park for the night. You're rich enough!"

"How do the rich stay rich, Daniel?"

"Not kidnapping carnies, that's for sure."

"Now, the correct answer there was not spending unnecessary amounts of money, but no, Danny is being difficult tonight. You should be happy I take you to parks as it is."

Daniel groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Fine. Whatever. Can we go now?"

Armand tapped crossly at his computer screen.

"In a minute. There is just – something wrong with this. What-?"

"Don't break the thing!" Daniel urged. "Gently! Gently."

"It's not working!" Armand stared in frustration at his slim computer, his brows knitted together, strands of his auburn hair, clipped short in the current fashion, falling over his forehead.

"Here." Daniel leant forward and brushed Armand's hair from his face. "Why isn't it working?"

"You tell me!" Armand stood up, pushing the laptop into Daniel's lap, knocking him to the floor. Daniel had crouched down when he affectionately groomed his youthful maker, and now found himself on the floor with the expensive piece of technology foisted onto his lap.

"Gee Daniel," he muttered to himself. "I don't understand this modern invention that I need your assistance to use. Wouldn't it be swell if you helped me? I can help that I'm incompetent with these things, and I promise to make it up to you if you did this for me!"

"Wow Daniel, they seem like some really nice fairies you're talking to in your head. Maybe after they fix my computer, you can click your heels together and wish for a brain!"

"I didn't know sarcasm existed in the dark ages, Armand."

"Well, due to the lack of annoying blonde haired, violet eyed imbecile's in the dark ages, sarcasm wasn't necessary back then. A history lesson for you, Daniel."

"Well, aren't you the most generous history teacher."

"I am, as a matter of fact. Now fix it."

Daniel grumbled some more, as Armand paced to the window and pulled the curtains back to look over the gardens.

"It's an all night carnival. They have all these wonderful mortal indulgences that I'm told are quite delicious."

"Yeah, I know. I told you." Daniel said, clicking away at the computer. His brow furrowed with concentration.

"And candy floss. I want to see someone eat candy floss. Well, I can't get you to eat it now, but we'll get someone else to eat it. Would it be passé to pay someone to eat something for you?"

"Don't bother, just walk about, everyone eats fairy floss at carnivals. And besides, how creepy would that be? Someone just comes up to you and says 'hey, I'll pay you twenty bucks to eat this fairy floss for me'. It wouldn't go down well."

"I thought humans were supposed to like candy floss?"

"They do. But it's just weird. The whole, accepting candy from stranger's thing. What did you do to this thing?"

"What? I didn't do anything! It just went funny like that."

"The whole thing's malfunctioning! I close a window, and a new one pops up!"

"Well, that's what happened to me at first. One window asked me if I wanted the ringtone. Then another asked me if I wanted to play internet poker. And then I got one from the online census company."

"Oh god."

"Then all these naughty windows popped up, and one said that it was selling illegal overseas Russian brides. I thought that was funny, so I sent it on to Marius's computer account."

"Please tell me you didn't."

"Why not? It's just a joke. I found it funny."

Daniel groaned and banged his head on the edge of the computer.

"Hey Daniel!" Daniel looked up at his grinning maker.

"What?" He replied in a bleak voice.

Armand's smile twisted into a smirk. "Gently, Danny. Gently."

This was why Danny hated technology.


End file.
